Pilgrimage to Goddess Within

By Laura Amazzone, M.A.

Laura with Durga at the Uma Maheswara Temple in Kiritpur, Nepal (photo credit: Cristina Lopez)

I have come to understand my entire life as a pilgrimage to and with the Divine Mother. Some of my greatest lessons have come through Her paradoxical mysteries of loss and illness. Pilgrimage means “to partake of a shrine”; this shrine can be both a sacred place and also an inner search. A pilgrimage is a spiritual journey of devotion, transformation, and union. Often there is some undeniable call to commit to the journey and whatever it entails. In the face of discomfort, fear, and difficulty, we learn to surrender, to trust, and to open to the guidance of something greater than our limited sense of self.

For me, guidance on my life’s pilgrimage has shown up in the form of a female mystical presence since early childhood. She is a fierce and compassionate Goddess who I would “see” in dreams and also at times of experiencing intense fear, pain, and loss. Since I was a young child, I have often been ill. Most of my life I have had painful, debilitating, and sometimes life-threatening ailments that much to my ego’s dismay have often prevented me from participating fully in life.

At the root of this is a childhood of trauma and abuse that manifested in psychosomatic ways. Even though I felt a mystical and fierce motherly presence, I did not feel I could connect with Her power enough to heal. I did not know who She was or understand why She was there. I took comfort in Her witnessing presence, but on some level I thought maybe She was as powerless as I felt because why would She allow all this suffering?

It was not until I made a pilgrimage to the Kathmandu Valley of Nepal in 1998 that I learned of this mystical presence’s name — Durga. Durga is a Goddess of Strength, Courage, and Justice. She removes fear and difficulty. She alleviates grief, illness, and suffering. When I first read Her fifth-century myth, an epic story of the Goddess’ battle with demonic forces that were destroying the balance of all the worlds, I felt I was reading my life story. I had constantly been fighting: my abusive father, the patriarchy, the pain in my body, the illnesses that plagued me, the rage at injustice I could not express.

On a philosophical and psychological level, the demons in this myth represent our human failings, our afflicted emotions, false perceptions, and ignorance. It teaches that as long as we have incarnated in this human form we will face adversity and ignorant forces that cause suffering in the world. These forces are not only outside ourselves, but are also in our bodies, particularly our minds. We experience this, in part, because of ignorance of who we truly are. We forget that we are Durga, and as Durga tells us at the end of the myth, She is also the demons. She is the Shakti, the Divine Force that animates all existence. This means She is not only all the beauty and joy we experience, but also all the pain and suffering. Shakti is always in a process of becoming and She expresses Herself through all life forms and experiences.

One of my initial encounters with the Divine Mother in a human form came during my first pilgrimage to Nepal. I arrived feeling bereft from the death of my beloved grandmother, and again very ill. After her death I was in a lot of physical and emotional pain and I did not know what to do but travel. Every country I went to I met with local shamans, who all told me the same thing: there was a divine power inside me that I was rejecting. I did not understand. I was stubborn, sick, angry, and was tired of my pain, sense of disempowerment, and limiting beliefs and perceptions.

Royal Kumari of Kathmandu, Spring Navaratri Festival 2014 (photo credit: Laura Amazzone)

I had never before heard of the Kumari until I read about a Living Goddess temple in a guidebook. The Kumari is an incarnation of Goddess, who for hundreds of years has been chosen (much like a young Lama is chosen) to serve as the Living Goddess of the (now former) Tantric kingdom of Nepal. I was intrigued, as I had been finding Goddess sculptures and images everywhere I went throughout Southeast and South Asia, but the thought of the Divine Mother in the body of a little girl was inconceivable. Having grown up within the Judeo-Christian tradition, the idea of a divinity that was both transcendent and immanent was a foreign yet fascinating concept to me. How that translated in my own relationship with Goddess was still a mystery to me.

I made my way to the temple of the Kumari. I stood in Her courtyard waiting for Her to appear at the temple window from which She gives Her darshan; however I was not at all prepared for the magnitude of Her Shakti (power). Darshan is a Hindu concept that means “to see and be seen by the deity.” It is a transmission of Shakti. That April afternoon I was “seen” by Goddess in the form of a 7-year old girl. Her fierce physical stare and the electric energy that flashed through her eyes matched the intensity of the eyes of the Goddess who had been coming to me all along. Her gaze penetrated my entire being and I found myself in tears and trembling.

I soon after learned the Kumari is an incarnation of Durga. She is a living Goddess who women with menstrual disorders go to for healing, strength, and courage. (I have endometriosis). She heals fevers, inflammation, skin diseases, and more. I read how the Shakti of the Kumari addressed and expressed many of the ailments I suffered from. While I was not miraculously healed in that moment, I felt a deep sense of connection, recognition, and acceptance.

Suddenly, my illnesses and pain took on a whole new meaning. Experiencing a spiritual tradition where a young girl is worshiped as a powerful Goddess served as a catalyst in healing the abused little girl in me. Ever since, I have felt relief in knowing that when I experience illness and pain or feel grief-stricken from loss, this is Her Shakti, this is Her power that has something to teach me. No matter how difficult it is, this is Her grace.

After receiving the Kumari’s darshan, I returned to Her temple days later and made a silent vow to write a book about Her. I told Her I would devote my entire life to studying and experiencing Goddess in the name of alleviating suffering — my own and all who needed Her justice, compassion, courage, and strength. In 2010 I published my book — which had evolved out of a 2001 Master’s thesis — Goddess Durga and Sacred Power.

I have spent the last 20 years as a scholar and Shakta Tantra practitioner; as a lifelong pilgrim and Goddess devotee facing pain and illness and the many deaths and losses that come with this human incarnation; and also embracing the joy, abundant blessings, and flow of Her grace in a lifelong pilgrimage to becoming Durga.

Photo credit: Mary Kliwinski

Laura Amazzone, M.A., is a teacher, writer, intuitive healer, yogini, and initiated priestess in the Shakta Tantra and Sri Vidya traditions of India and Nepal. She is the author of Goddess Durga and Sacred Power. She has published numerous articles within the fields of Hinduism, Tantra, and Women’s Spirituality in many encyclopedias, anthologies, journals, and online publications.

Laura teaches in the Yoga Philosophy Program at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, online at Embodied Philosophy and Mystery School of the Goddess, and also teaches from her home. She offers a diverse array of authentic and undiluted lineage-based rituals and spiritual practices as well as pilgrimages to Nepal that promote spiritual empowerment and divine embodiment.

Click here to visit Laura’s website.