Jaiya answers the question:

What is the nicest thing a non-family member has ever done for you?


It feels like it's a theme of nicest things that all tie into my childhood. So when I was a kid, I grew up in a really traumatic child situation where essentially I was experiencing developmental trauma. And if any of you know PTSD, you've heard of that term. Later in life, I found out there's something called CPTSD, which is complex post-traumatic stress disorder. And this is when you've been exposed to trauma daily in your life. My mother didn't have the resources to get out of that situation, but she had a friend. And so one of the nicest things that I feel was ever done for me was when I was a child and in this situation, and my mom's friend, her name was Denise, she came and got my mom out and got us out because she saw that it was not a good situation that we were in.

I'll never forget the day we were at school and we got taken out of school and drove home and then we were given a garbage bag and said, "Pack as much stuff as you can in this garbage bag because we're actually going to a safe house." That person, my mom's friend, was the one who said, I've got to get these kids out of here. I've got to get my friend out of here, out of the situation, because our lives were in danger. And this to me was the beginning of realizing that there were people out there who would take action to help another person in a really strong way.

I believe that this shaped then my life, and I can feel emotion talking about it. But I wanted to do the same for other people and other women who were in similar situations where maybe they couldn't get out, they didn't have the resources or the education, and we could then either prevent domestic violence and abuse or help people move out of those kinds of situations. The organization that my mom's friend helped us get involved with is called Women Helping Women, and this is in the state of Ohio, so this organization is in Ohio.

Now today, I share my story and how this was such an influence on my life to get out of a very dangerous situation, to see that there were people who cared enough to help others in a really big way. And then now today when I'm onstage and I'm speaking and we do big live events — our next one is actually our biggest event we've ever had, which 500 people are coming to — and we do a charity fundraiser for Women Helping Women because they do focus on prevention and going in and helping train kids on consent and domestic violence and how to talk about it. So they're working from a prevention angle but also working to help victims of domestic abuse and sexual violence.

And so this to me has been something that shaped me in a way that was like, how could I pay it forward? Because it wasn't just this one incident. It was many incidents through my life of people coming forward to go, "Let me take you under my wing." Even mentors in sexuality — that's my field of expertise is in sexuality, human sexuality — and so many people would come when I was young because I was so passionate. And this same woman who helped my mom, I wanted to go into fertility medicine. She invited me to come to a hospital that she was working at and she was studying brain tumors where I got to learn to read MRIs and I was just starting out in high school. Or people who were like, "You can't pay for our event, or teacher training or certification," because I grew up also very poor in rural Ohio, "but come and we'll figure it out. We'll trade you or you could do a work study or something like that."

And it was just a series of those things over my life that I look at it like, oh, my God, I'm so grateful for all those people who saw something in me who were able to go, "Come anyway. We know you can't afford it or we know that you have these limitations in your life or these adverse conditions, but here, let me help you, let me move you forward, let me give you a safe space, let me give you a place to heal." And all of those people who have contributed to my life, thank you, thank you, thank you. I've taken that and I feel really strongly that we all pay it forward.

Anyone who's done anything nice and amazing for you, it's not so much like we have to give back or we're obligated or we owe someone something. I don't think that's the energy. It's more the energy of people took me under their wing and people helped me find safe sanctuary, and I hope to do that for others in the same way that it was given to me because it meant so much to me and it helped shape my life and helped me be the successful, healthy, mentally healthy person that I am today, and healing trauma along this journey.

And so if that's helping the organizations that were part of that, like we do with the fundraisers… we also have scholarship programs... and that to me is vital in raising other leaders because essentially what those people did for me was they helped raise me as a leader in the world. And the best thing that I believe that a leader can do, besides loving everyone unconditionally in the space of having really good boundaries, is also to raise up other leaders. And that was what these people unknowingly did for me, was raise me up into leadership, even though I had really an adverse situation in which I grew up in.

An internationally recognized, award-winning sexologist and bestselling author, Jaiya is the creator of the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ and the Erotic Blueprint™ Quiz. Jaiya is also the author of four books, including the bestselling Red Hot Touch. Jaiya’s mission is to help people like you claim your desires and gain access to erotic ecstasy. Sex techniques are no guarantee of orgasmic bliss. Sex techniques don’t create lasting passion and sexual satisfaction. In fact, using the wrong technique on the wrong person can create turn-off, shutdown, and possibly even a traumatic response.

So what’s the answer? How do you keep the fire alive and experience sexual fulfillment? For over two decades of practice as a Somatic Sexologist and Sexological Bodyworker, Jaiya immersed herself in the study of turn-on, ancient erotic rituals, tantric sex, mastery of sensual touch, pure erotic play, kinky dynamics, and the biology and psychology of attraction and sexual fulfillment. Through client observation and clinical research, she discovered that we all have a unique Erotic Blueprint™ — a map of arousal that reveals your specific erotic language of orgasmic delight, a revolutionary framework for deep sexual satisfaction.

Click here to visit Jaiya’s website.

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This article appears in: 2019 Catalyst, Issue 19: Personality Typing Summit